Fighting

As in the title. Fighting with things which want to come back to me. Doing more than i can. It helps with being thoughtlessness. Once again someone told me that i am neurotic person, funny.

Cause I hate

I feel better now. A little bit. After a terrible night and even worse morning. I slept from 3:30 a.m. To 8 a.m. I couldn't eat so I started to make some photos again. And it started. Crying, screaming, throwing things all over my room and listening Deftones music so so loud. Than screaming again and crying during laying on the floor. It was horror for me. I didn't know how to stop it, but I knew that screaming helps me in some silly way. I still don't understand my thoughts, feelings and mood. I only know that I have been hurt so much even it wasn't the plan. My room looks like after war now. I wonder what has happened. Why it was so big pain for me and why I feel so ugly, so useless and so so so everything right now.

I want to scream again...Gosh

I have sore throat after yeeling and bitten tongue.

I took this photo while terribly cyring.

~~~~

Po ciężkiej nocy i jeszcze gorszym poranku, czuję się lepiej. Trochę lepiej, chyba. Udało mi się w końcu zasnąć po 3 nad ranem, chyba tylko dlatego, że nie miałam już siły płakać, bolało mnie serce i kręgosłup, nie wiem czemu... Rano oczywiście nic nie zjadłam, nie byłam w stanie. Zaczęłam znowu robić zdjęcia. Patrzyłam na nie, no i się zaczęło. Płacz, wrzask, rzucanie wszystkim co się dało, gdziekolwiek. Potem znowu krzyk, kiedy już leżałam bez sił na podłodze. To był horror, ale w jakiś głupi sposób czułam, że krzyk mi pomaga. Nie wiem, nie rozumiem moich myśli, uczuć, tego wszystkiego co jest we mnie teraz. Wiem tylko, że czuje się zraniona, nawet jeśli to nie było zamierzone. Nie wiem czemu to tak boli, czemu czuję się niepotrzebna, odrażająca i co tam jeszcze.

Chciałabym znowu krzyczeć

Boli mnie gardło od krzyku i język, który musiałam sobie przegryźć.

To zdjęcie zrobiłam podczas jednego z ataków histerii.

Bonobo dj set in Electro/Jazz Club Hipnoza - Katowice

The wonderful tones, great atmosphere and people and of course Simon Green.. :)
The one bad thing with beeing photographer during the concerts for me is that i dont remember music :D I only know that it was stunning :)
21st of February 2009

6:45

I was born on 20th of February at 6:45 am. That is the time when the sun is rising. I usually have many plans before that day and many plans for future. But now I am into so many things and matters that I don't even feel the big day has come. It is happening now. So many people, so many feelings, things and aims to achieve. My world is rounding so fast but I feel good with that speed.

unhappy but happy, unloved but don't care about.